


The Quench Code

by orphan_account



Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Established Relationship, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Texting, they're all polyamorous :0
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 03:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20075134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Quench (kwen(t)SH), verb: satisfy (one's thirst) by drinkingOr, for Jonah and Brian, it means, "Please get your (boy)friend out of this apartment I am uncomfortable".





	The Quench Code

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't as weird as it seems i promise
> 
> except it's all text conversation except like two actual conversations
> 
> okay listen
> 
> anyway pb&j is gay and please ignore the formatting i did not want to do this by hand so i did the upload from google docs thing so uhhh oopsie doodles

**Briab Bilbert <3**

_ Friday, July 19 _

**(8:56 p.m.)** _quench_

**(9:05 p.m.) ** _ hes gone _

**(9:05 p.m) ** _ U okay? _

**(9:06 p.m.) ** _ i’m fine he’s just kinda freaky lol _

**(9:06 p.m.) ** -_-

**(9:06 p.m.) ** _ Jonah come on _

**(9:07 p.m.) ** _ what??? he is!!! _

**(9:07 p.m.) ** _ brian he looks like a frog pls he’s absolutely a freak _

**(9:07 p.m) ** _ you know _

**(9:08 p.m.) ** _ it’s funny _

**(9:08 p.m.) ** _ you didn’t pull the quench card until karaoke night the other week _

**(9:08 p.m.) ** _ stop laughign at my miss fortune brian _

**(9:09 p.m.) ** _ nothing happened at karaoke night brian get your mind otu foa gutter _

**(9:09 p.m.) ** _ did something happen with you and pat? _

**(9:09 p.m.) ** -_-  _ jojo baby honey sweetiecakes _

**(9:10 p.m.) ** _ do you want me to give him ur number so yall can talk this out and maybe kiss _

**(9:11 p.m.) ** _ i will disown you if you do that _

**(9:11 p.m.) ** _ i can hear you laugnign stop that _

**(9:15 p.m.) ** _ brian pls _

**(9:27 p.m.) ** _ sorry jo ;D _

**(9:27 p.m.) ** _ pat says hi btw :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D _

**(9:28 p.m.) ** _ >:( _

  


* * *

  


**Unknown Number**

_ Sunday, July 21 _

**(11:42 a.m.) ** _ hello this is patrick gill _

**(11:42 a.m.) ** _ god nevermind _

**(12:05 p.m.) ** _ oh my god _

**(12:10 p.m.) ** _ LISTEN OKSY BRIAN PIT ME IP TO THIS _

**(12:11 p.m.) ** _ also you’re like Cool or whatever _

**(12:14 p.m.) ** _ XD _

**(12:14 p.m.) ** _ listen man don’t let brian be the boss of you _

**(12:15 p.m.) ** _ Be A Man _

**(12:15 p.m.) ** _ be as swift as the coursing river _

**(12:15 p.m.) ** _ lol okay _

**(12:16 p.m.) ** _ With all the force of a great typhoon _

**(12:16 p.m.) ** _ oh is this that mulan thing _

**(12:17 p.m.) ** _ wait _

**(12:17 p.m.) ** _ you havent seen mulan _

**(12:18 p.m.) ** _ no?  _

**(12:18 p.m.) ** _ youve been with brian for how long _

**(12:19 p.m.) ** _ five months next wednesday _

**(12:19 p.m.) ** _ yes i know im a terible boyed frend leave me along jonah _

**(12:25 p.m.) ** _ next time you come over _

**(12:25 p.m.) ** _ i am tying you to the couch _

**(12:25 p.m.) ** _ and you will watch mulan _

**(12:26 p.m.) ** _ and you will like it _

**(7:30 p.m.) ** _ yes sir _

  


* * *

  


**Bastard Gilbert <3**

_ Sunday, July 21 _

**(12:00 p.m.) ** _ BRIN _

**(12:00 p.m.) ** _ BIRAN _

**(12:00 p.m.) ** _ BYREAN _

**(12:04 p.m.) ** _ :D _

**(12:05 p.m.) ** _ jo guess what _

**(12:06 p.m.) ** _ i amb goign to kill u you basard _

**(12:07 p.m.) ** _ you are at LUNCH WAHT  _

**(12:08 p.m.) ** _ he asked!! _

**(12:08 p.m.) ** _ omg jo u shoudl see hsi face rn _

**(12:08 p.m.) ** image

**(12:10 p.m.) ** _ dont u want a piece of thsi???? ;D _

**(12:30 p.m.) ** _ god brian i fucked  _

**(12:30 p.m.) ** _ im moving back to maryland whens your next date _

**(12:31 p.m.) ** _ pat was gonna come over friday and FINALLY watch mulan _

**(12:32 p.m.) ** _ please don’t move i love u :(  _

**(12:32 p.m.) ** _ he did ask hes just a loser and ac oward _

**(12:40 p.m.) ** _ brian. _

**(12:40 p.m.) ** _ you betrayed the quench code _

**(12:41 p.m.) ** _ i know but like jojo baby come on _

**(12:42 p.m.) ** _ youre the one that said the code doesnt apply to pat gill _

**(12:43 p.m.) ** _ okay maybe yeah but listen _

**(12:44 p.m.) ** _ you literally betrayed my trust ehre brian like waht the fuck you know ive been dying over hi m since karaoke come on this sin’t fair youre going to kil me _

**(12:45 p.m.) ** _ wait no _

**(12:45 p.m.) ** _ brian i can see you typing stop it i didn’t mean any of that okay just shut up okay _

**(12:46 p.m.) ** _ i am litearlly packing my stuff now  _

**(12:47 p.m.) ** _ jonah please _

**(12:47 p.m.) ** _ can we like not have this conversation over text? _

  
  


**Incoming Call**

**Bastard Gilbert <3**

**Accept | Decline**

“Bria-”

“Jonah, lovely, I’m sorry for giving Pat your number after you pulled the quench card.”

“Bet- better be.”

“Hey, hey, breathe for me, ‘kay? I’m sorry, really. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, promise, I should’ve asked first.”

“Yeah.”

_ [brief silence] _

“Hey, Jo? I love you.”

“...I know. I love you, too, Brian.”

“And I love Pat, too.”

“I know. You’re...you’re  _ very  _ loud.”

“Haha, yeah, sorry. But, uh. I have it on good authority that Pat’s very into this whole polyamory thing. I mean, he was into it before, ‘cause duh, but like-”

“Brian, please. God, will you just- just listen to me? Please? I...yeah, okay, I’m maybe a bit into him because you have impeccable taste as always, but, baby, come on, don’t force anything. I-”

“ _ ‘Force’ _ ? Jojo, honey, sweetie, sugarplum-”

“Brian-”

“ _ Jonah _ . He asked. I gave. Take it up with him.”

“I’m going to block both of your numbers and dive into the sewers and live among the rats.”

“Please don’t, I would have to come with you and you know how much I love rats. I’d find Master Splinter and marry him before you have a chance to grab Patrick tenderly by the hand and bring him down with us.”

“...I think you’re missing the point.”

“Pot, kettle, darling. I- no, Pat, it’s fine, just Jonah-”

**[Call Ended]**

  


* * *

  


**Bastard Gilbert <3**

_ Wednesday, July 23 _

**(3:16 p.m.) ** _ hey you wanna go get dinner tonight with the gang? _

**(3:16 p.m.) ** _ simone wont bite hard i promise _

**(4:00 p.m.) ** _ sorry just got on break _

**(4:00 p.m.) ** _ uhh yeah sure. Where? _

**(4:10 p.m.) ** _ jenna says taco hell like a loser _

**(4:11 p.m.) ** _ about to go back to work but she can burn in the hell she loves so much _

**(4:11 p.m.) ** _ tell that for me okay love you xoxo :) _

**(4:13 p.m.) ** _ jenna says she hates you _

**(4:13 p.m.) ** _ we’re meeting up at  _ this location

**(4:14 p.m.) ** _ i love you too see you tonight! :p  _

**(6:16 p.m.) ** _ hey brian _

**(6:16 p.m.) ** _ why is patrick the only one here _

**(6:18 p.m.) ** _ omg jo forgot to tell you he works from home wednesdays _

**(6:18 p.m.) ** _ so so sorry god we’re on our way!!! Give it uhhh five? _

**(6:20 p.m.) ** _ >:(  _

**(6:25 p.m.) ** _ train’s running late :( _

**(6:25 p.m.) ** _ also stop staring at ur phone like a weirdo and talk to him _

**(6:26 p.m.) ** _ pat’s freaking out rn  _

**(6:27 p.m.) ** _ mood _

**(6:29 p.m.) ** _ brian he’s looking at me _

**(6:29 p.m.) ** _ brian he’s still looking at me _

**(6:30 p.m.) ** _ is it the suit??? is that a thing??? With you yeah but me???  _

**(6:33 p.m.) ** _ BRIANNNNN _

**(6:40 p.m.) ** _ sorry baby like one block away _

**(6:41 p.m.) ** _ i’ll make it up to u tonight ;) ;) ;)  _

  


* * *

  


**Ratrick :)**

_ Friday, July 25 _

**(8:05 a.m.) ** _ brian’s sick and dropped his phone in the sink _

**(8:06 a.m.) ** _ so if hes not at work that’s why _

**(9:12 a.m.) ** _ wait what we have work today what _

**(9:20 a.m.) ** _ SHUT _

**(9:21 a.m.) ** _ sorry ignore me do lie watever u were doing doing be weird if i’m at your place when u get home from work _

**(9:25 a.m.) ** _ took today off to take care of brian _

**(9:26 a.m.) ** _ are you...okay?? _

**(9:29 a.m.) ** _ god sorry don’t tel me it’s weird you dn’t even know me _

**(10:00 a.m.) ** _ no it’s fine jonah _

**(10:01 a.m.) ** _ mister scott _

**(10:01 a.m.) ** _ mister gilbert scott _

**(10:07 a.m.) ** _ god sorry you aren’t even married _

**(10:10 a.m.) ** _ patrick, it’s all good _

**(12:11 p.m.) ** _ brian just woke up again and said that you can come over whenever _

**(12:12 p.m.) ** _ and that we loves you _

**(12:13 p.m.) ** _ HE LVOES YOU FUCK _

**(1:14 p.m.) **_laughing out loud_ _tell him i’ll be over after work_

**(1:15 p.m.) ** _ fuck why did that spell out im cool i swear  _

**(1:16 p.m.) ** _ please don’t think i’m uncool bc i type like an old man _

**(1:30 p.m.) ** _ you are an old man patrick _

**(1:30 p.m.) ** _ and his phone’s dried out. btw _

**(1:30 p.m.) ** _ so you don’t need to keep tecting me _

**(2:43 p.m.) ** _ but what if i want to _

**(3:52 p.m.) ** _ hey jonah why did brian just send me a picture of you eating a raw onion what are you doing and save me some please _

**(4:00 p.m.) ** _ im going to kill him _

**(4:01 p.m.) ** _ ripperoni _

**(4:07 p.m.) ** _ why do you sound like a 50yo game show host _

**(5:48 p.m.) ** _ how did you guess my secret identity _

**(5:48 p.m.) ** _ and please tell me you have more onion _

**(5:49 p.m.) ** _ dont worry it’s brian’s Sick Day Treat we have like five more _

**(5:50 p.m.) ** _ dont ask _

**(5:55 p.m.) ** _ nevermind he just powered through four and siad you and i can share the last one _

**(5:59 p.m.) ** _ god i love him _

**(6:00 p.m.) ** _ we gonna lady and the tramp it or what _

**(6:20 p.m.) ** _ sorry _

**(6:28 p.m.) ** _ at the deli getting sandwiches and also more onions _

**(6:30 p.m.) ** _ cool.  _

  


* * *

  


**Brian Bastard Brian <3**

_ Friday, July 25 _

**(6:40 p.m.) ** _ joooooooooooooooooonah _

**(6:41 p.m.) ** _ pat’s here with the foooooood _

**(6:41 p.m.) ** _ where are youuuuuouuuuu _

**(6:45 p.m.) ** _ did you put him up to it _

**(6:46 p.m.) ** _ because brian i swear to god if you did i will break up with you this isn’t funny _

**(6:46 p.m.) ** _ jo honey i was in a post-onion nap for the past like hour _

**(6:47 p.m.) ** _ do we need to quench this up? _

**(6:50 p.m.) ** _ brian he asked if he and i were gonna lady and the tramp the onion brian that isn’t funny _

**(6:51 p.m.) ** _ we don’t need to quench but brian please _

**(6:52 p.m.) ** _ i’m just downstairs getting eth mail but please tell me he wasn’t fucking around so i can come up and not panic _

**(6:59 p.m.) ** _ he brought you a sandwich _

**(7:00 p.m.) ** _ he’s asking about you _

  


* * *

  


**Incoming Call**

**Jonah Scott :)**

**Accept | Decline**

“Hey, Pat, it’s me. Uh. I’m downstairs. Totally not hiding at all no matter what Brian says.”

“Oh. Hah, hi, Jonah. I, uh, I’m sorry. If I made you uncomfortable with the onion thing I swear I didn’t mean for it to make you uncomfortable and I can go right now if you want me gone, I know you and Brian have that codeword thing.”

“Don’t go! I mean, uh, no, it’s fine. Do whatever, I guess, just know that I will not be eating a raw onion with you, Patrick Gill. I have standards.”

“Oh.”

“Nonono, not like- not like  _ that _ ! I just, uh. Fuck, Pat, I’m shit at this. You know how long it took me to ask Brian out? Hah, trick question, I didn’t because I kept tripping over myself and hiding and he eventually kidnapped me and took me ice skating because he’s  _ perfect  _ and-”

“Want to go skating? There’s a place by my apartment building, I think. May be full of rats, but I...Jonah, are you okay?”

“I’m not crying.”

“Yeah. Me neither.”

_ [dueling sniffles from both ends] _

“Want to, uh. Come up here? Brian’s crying. Not me. No, Brian, get off-  _ Jonah ignore him he’s crying tears of love come up here and kiss him for me!-  _ Brian, fucking-!”

“Oh my God.”

“Uh. I don’t kiss on the first date.”

“Me neither.”

“Want to, uh. God, want to watch this weird French movie Brian’s putting on?”

“ _ Hunchback _ ?”

“Yeah. I think.”

“You are the worst kind of person. I’m on my way up. Put my sandwich in the microwave, yeah?”

“God, you freak.”

“Hah! Fuck you!”

**[Call Ended]**

* * *

**HUSBANDS HUSBANDS HUSBANDS!!!**

_ Friday, August 1 _

Jonah

**(10:12 a.m.) ** _ which one of you left your underwear in my room _

Brian

**(10:24 a.m.) ** _ ;) _

Pat

**(11:30 a.m.) ** _ not it _

**(11:33 a.m.) ** _ actually what do they look like _

Jonah

**(12:01 p.m.) ** _ blue and zelda _

Brian

**(12:15 p.m.) ** _ oh oops i thought i forgot something today _

Jonah

**(12:16 p.m.) ** _ oh good i was worried patrick was a nerd _

Brian

**(1:58 p.m.) ** _ >:P _

Pat

**(2:30 p.m.) ** _ thank you jonah i knew you were the smart one here _

Brian

**(3:00 p.m.) ** _ >:( i’m being cyberbullied  _

**(3:00 p.m.) ** _ i take this back i’m single now both of you are evil and i hate you _

Jonah

**(5:09 p.m.) ** _ this was a monster of your own design, dear brian _

**(5:09 p.m.) ** _ love you <3 _

Pat

**(5:10 p.m.) ** _ i too also love you dear brian _

Brian

**(5:15 p.m.) ** _ that’s funny bc i hate you both _

**Pat** ** changed groupchat name to “Jo’s Hoes”**

**Brian** ** changed groupchat name to “Pat Sucks And So Does Jonah”**

**Pat** ** changed groupchat name to “Brian Actually Sucks ==3”**

**Jonah** ** changed groupchat name to “HUSBANDS HUSBANDS HUSBANDS!!!”**

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [asorrywrite](https://asorrywrite.tumblr.com/) and all I do there is come up with au ideas I'll never follow through with!
> 
> Also pb&j is gay, kids. And also i may have uploaded twice in two days, but that will not be the norm because, A, depression and, B, school's starting up in like three weeks and i gotta get my degree, bay-bee!


End file.
